In the Shadow

Since returning from the mountains with the understanding – finally – that it was time to move on and back into the world, I have witnessed a number of clear signs that different aspects of my personality – long remaindered -are being brought back into commission, as the more extreme spiritual incarnation of myself gradually recedes. To achieve a journey so demanding as the life Pilgrimage just completed, a different version of you is required able to interpret and enact the often extreme requirements and limitations being placed upon the psyche. It is fair to say from this vantage point, I can see what a very unipolar extreme version of myself I became during those years. Now, as so many of these long shelved aspects of myself return, the original ‘me’ with all its bad tempered tendencies, likes and dislikes is also there. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or not. When measured against the directives of Jesus or Krishna, as with ‘whose peace is ever the same’, perhaps not (1). It might tend to imply then a failure of the what is generally considered to be the goal of the spiritual journey, to achieve transcendence into higher planes of being leaving the ego’s limitations and wayward tendencies behind.

Probably in common with a majority of folk I like to think of myself as a nice, polite, compassionate, user friendly person, never rude, abrupt or pushy. Way back in my Ecuadorian archaeological project days I can recall the shock of learning that very many people in fact experienced me very differently. Now perhaps I have moderated myself somewhat and smoothed off some of the rougher patches, but in the end my patience is still limited and the side of me that doesn’t take crap from anyone, at least for long, is ever close to the surface. There are many auto rickshaw drivers in these parts who would enthusiastically agree with this.

There is a small collection of photos taken of me from recent pre Pilgrimage years called ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, after the film of that name, where the principal character is always immaculately and stylishly turned out but, yes, otherwise a bad tempered martinet. The header photo here comes from that collection, as do the others in this post. It’s a manifestation of what Carl Jung called ‘the Shadow’, that version of ourselves composed of all those repressed character aspects generally hidden from view in many normal social exchanges. As long as we remain unaware of these, we will inevitably project them outwards upon others and blame (or admire) them for characteristics that are in fact our own. That is one of the preeminent purposes of yoga : to become consciousness of all of ourselves and our tendencies and work to transform and integrate them into a more powerful and purposeful whole. Because the shadow contains much concealed power. It is why we can feel intimidated by certain people we may admire, or dislike even, rather than seeing them as the mere people they are. Or even identifying the characteristics in them we admire or fear to see how we might enable or transform these in ourselves (2).

The self that bore the remit to carry me through the Pilgrimage cycles was rather in the order of what Jung understood as being his number 2 personality, itself a product of and emissary of the archetypal realm of the Unconscious (3). That said, what happens seems to be more in the order of an inversion rather than an outright alter ego takeover. The dominant personality number 1 recedes and the usually recessive 2 comes to the fore, with all its specific skills to navigate the higher spiritual planes. When its job is over, it once again takes the back seat, albeit there to offer balance and insight across the remainder of the life course.

Personality #2. Birthday puja, Rishikesh, March 2023

A complex process of reintegration of many different parts of myself seems to be underway, as the spiritual self and the wordly counterpart are reassembled into a different composite whole. I feel the energies moving this way and that, now revivifying my erstwhile South American incarnation, now the me that loves flamenco culture, the one time academic and so on. Given I let all of these go when I withdrew from the world to prepare myself for that journey of a lifetime, it seems amazing to me to watch as these come back. But I think what is happening is not a return to some former status quo with its attendant personalities, but a way of passing over the wealth of those personalities to the newly emergent self.

Personality #1. Fort Kochi, Kerala, June 2024

What the final product will look like remains to be seen given this is still a work in progress. If you did snap shots of the interior of a chrysalis it would presumably show a gradual shift from something looking like a caterpillar into something like a butterfly. Whether more caterpillar or butterfly at present remains to be seen, but the final whole must inevitably contain substantial inclusions of those shadow aspects that function, if properly channeled, to give not only strength, balance and direction to the psyche, but alternate potentialities and ways of seeing and experiencing life. This can only add dimension, depth and richness to the life course and one’s experience of it.

The journey of Individuation is about this (4). Denying important aspects of oneself, ‘autocastrating’ the ego to experience oneself as ‘God’ can never be what this journey is about, although all the principal eastern, mainly Indian theological and philosophical traditions and the many saints, swamis and satt gurus associated with them since the days of Adi Shankara, promote this understanding of the purpose of the life journey and its spiritual goal exclusively. Buddhism in its several incarnations too. However, in common with C.G. Jung I would argue this. In denying your individuality you deny yourself and, paradoxically, your Self. The Self (5) is the Unmanifest Totality and each of us is a unique one time expression of It. In Advaitist Vedantic terms we may all be made of ‘God stuff’ in terms of our being and our consciousness, but our personality, our ego is all our own. It is our vehicle for independent life experience and in this do we offer up wealth to the Self that brought us into being, surely just for that purpose.